Thursday, December 6, 2012

"Lemme Upgrade 'Ya!"

         Beyonce is truth. Besides singing about the joys of being a single lady and putting your cheating ex-man's stuff to the left, to the left (duh!), Queen B also croons about helping to upgrade her man's style. Not quite sure what I'm talking about? Let me refresh your memory:

         The holidays will soon be upon us, and what would be a better time to upgrade your better half, friend, family member, or other (friend with benefits, cat sitter, psychic healer, personal shopper...the list goes on) with newer, more glamorous beauty products? The bottom line is that people rarely buy ridiculously luxe beauty products for themselves, which make them the PERFECT gift/stocking stuffer/greasing the wheels present. I made sure this list was [basically] unisex to further ease your shopping woes.

Carmex is a classic. The waxy texture, camphor-y smell, and pot-style application are nostalgic for me, as I not only used it as lip balm, but to keep my chronic childhood bloody noses at bay, glamorous, I know. But the bottom line is that Carmex is like, a dollar. It would be offensive if you gave it to anyone as a gift, since you are basically implying that they have dry lips. So upgrade to this teeny pot of camphor-spiked balm from British mainstay Dr. Harris & Co. While it has that same tingling effect, it has a lovely violet scent that won't seem even slightly medicinal. And even though it is an upgrade, it's still totally affordable, so it is the perfect Secret Santa gift.

Head N' Shoulders  ------> Phillip Kingsley
Dandruff has never been, and will never be (at least I hope so), sexy. But at least Phillip Kingsley's powerful and beautifully-scented shampoos keep your shower from looking like that of a pityriasis capitis (yes, that is the scientific name for dandruff) sufferer. Head N' Shoulders is basically the showerside equivalent of wearing socks with Birkenstocks: just not cute. So help your ailing friend by giving them a bottle of shampoo that doesn't scream "I have dandruff" when you go into their bathroom and snoop on their grooming products (admit it, you totally check out the medicine cabinet too).

Irish Spring ------> Lush Shower Gels
Drugstore shower gels basically suck. Honestly, the men's selection is much better than the women's, at least the scents are somewhat classic. If you are a girl, your choices are as follows: Pretty Pretty Princess Bubblegum Candy Cane Crack shower gel, Sexy Hot Lady Spicy Fake Musky Vanilla shower gel, and my personal favorite, the knock-off Bath and Body Works selection that are even more false-scented than the original. Really, it is possible. Treat your pal to something that they actually want to use. Are they a chocolate lover? Gift them Sonic Death Monkey. Are they a chronic insomniac or an RPatz fan? Send Twilight. Sweet as the bee's knees? It's Raining Men (I'd recommend not giving this to a straight male unless it happens to be a gag gift). Pricey, but all perfect. Plus, you are encouraging them to be clean, which is like, a gift to all that come into contact with them.

Secret ------> Donna Karan Cashmere Mist
You are not the only person who ever wondered why in the world perfume companies make anti-perspirants of their scents. Yes, 99% of them fail to cover any sort of odor. But in that small 1% is a product that is especially beloved by the gay male population of New York: Donna Karan Cashmere Mist. This stuff seriously works. It keeps armpits from getting outrageously sweaty, prevents foul scents, and doesn't stain clothing. Waaaaay more fabulous than Dove or Secret, and I can basically guarantee that your friend does not already own it because really, who buys $20 deodorant for themselves.

Bath & Body Works Antibacterial Soap ------> Aesop
I'm pretty sure the only holiday gift that teachers receive is anti-bacterial handsoap from Bath & Body Works, and sometimes, if they are reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally lucky, a matching hand cream. Do people assume teachers have chronically dirty and simultaneously dry hands? Regardless, I think they've had enough of the "Pink Symphony" and "Poodles in Paradise" scents. In fact, they probably have a lifetime supply if they've been teaching for more than five minutes. Do them a favor and upgrade them to Aesop's sophisticated, simple, and regal-smelling hand soap. Men using your powder room will not by put-off by the graphic packaging or the lavender scent. Most importantly, those teachers will no longer suffer from filthy dry hands as it is supremely moisturizing and germ-eliminating.

Bonus Beyonce-inspired video (and one of my all-time favorite Youtube vids):

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